Lately I’ve been suffering from S.A.D seasonal depression, the snow and the cold and menopause all whirling up into me like a perfect storm of discontent. Also, I’m trying to make it as an artist and that’s scary as you all know. This is the latest piece of work that I’m happy with, It shows St Bridget riding a stag through a wintery woods and she has a fire in her hand., she holds it out to let the viewer know that winter doesn’t last forever that there is still a flame burning. She also lights the way to better things. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and that helps in a big way, cutting out junk food as much as I can and trying to keep things simple. Right now, I’m typing in my cool basement so the overheating body doesn’t stand much of a chance.
I’m dealing with more fear issues, being creative is tough, mostly because I fight my own demons every time I paint. I’ve done a lot of work since I last posted. One pet portrait, which is done for charity:
And also am working on a big painting I’m calling St Brigit. That is driving me crazy at it’s size. I’m also filtering though stuff I’ve talked to my therapist to mostly bunched around my inability to deal with emotions properly. Maybe its because I have an autistic kid brother, or maybe because emotions were something my family frowned upon. And since I had a lot of them, it was a problem. I won’t lie I’m an emotional over eater. When I’m stressed or unhappy I turn to sugar. I have been getting better with this though. Though today was a bust maybe because I am facing this mammoth painting. I do wash my hands though. I am not using Facebook as much, I feel that there are people out there who do not wish me well, who will curse me if I let them in past the boundaries. There are also some damn good friends, and I don’t want to block them off, so what do I do? I’m not sure. I figure I’ll focus on the old fashioned blog, especially since a lot of people don’t read it. I’m a voice in the digital wilderness. That’s kind of comfy. Ok back to that painting.
Well here I am working from home again and it feels scary. I have two commissions to do, one is a stormy scene and the other is a cafe on a boat. Neither want a kraken put into the picture. Too bad, I kind of like krackens they are cool mythical beasts that come out of the depths and crush things.
I guess fear could be a kraken. Right now, I’m dealing with momentary fear as I write this, so I’m trying to write it out so I can just move on and finish painting the side of Siren, and then open up my new canvas and start working on something else.
I also have to rake the leaves and get rid of two large bags of trash. That’s on my “to do list” for today.
I cut my fingers badly on a glass, It was one of my favourite glasses too, one with a skull etched in. The glass was soapy and it slipped from my hand and next thing I knew two slashes appeared on my left hand. Memo to self: don’t wash dishes before morning coffee.
So I decided to work only part time in the big box store so that I can have more time to focus on my other work. That was scary. Really, really, scary but I guess that’s how success is made. You close your eyes and take a leap of faith and expect the best.
So here is me, expecting the best.
On another note, yesterday I went to see my dad in a play. That was pretty cool. He’s still acting even in his 80’s – more hope for me continuing doing my thing as I get older as well. I promised myself that I’ll start swimming on my days off to keep myself in shape. I really love swimming so I’m sure this will be a good thing all around. My dad swims every day with my mom, except on weekends and I’m sure that’s what is keeping them alive and well now. That, and probably good genes.
I am including two pictures from my Czech theatre experience, one is an old one with yours truly in it. I played the part of a kid, I think I had one whole line to say, but I played in a big theatre, downtown Toronto, and that was a great experience! I loved acting too, but prefer art. Maybe I’ll pass on the acting genes to some of my grandkids.
The second picture is a picture of a Czech donut. Which isn’t sold anywhere in Toronto. This donut puts Tim’s to shame. It’s this puffy thing filled with real cream that just melts in your mouth. Freaking awesome, and the person who makes it has retired, so it’s only available to purchase at a Czech theatre event. I had mine and ate it distraction free, just enjoying the experience. There is no Czech baker in Toronto now, so I guess I’ll have to travel as far as Chicago, or Texas, to have something like that again, or maybe even the Czech republic.
Well I finally finished it, my painting.. I have to say I am satisfied with it, I think I pushed myself an extra level which is good.
I have two commissions that I need to do, one of an stormy Ocean and another of a Cafe on a boat. The Cafe will be more of a challenge I think since I don’t usually pick city scares for topics, but what the hell, I’ll do some sketches and then figure out the best way to move stuff around so that it looks good. I’ll study some of Van Gough’s cafe scenes and maybe Touluse-Lautrec, and also incorporate some of my own style in there.
I discovered http://www.deserres.ca/en-CA/ delivers for free! How fantastic is that and they take paypal payments. That means that I can basically have my canvases delivered to me. Which is great. Some of the bigger canvases are like giant sails when you’re walking down a busy street.
I would also love to get a sable brush, the real deal, they cost mega bucks, but are fantastic when working with details. I wonder if they still sell illustrator pens? Nope they don’t, darn.
I am so excited that I have time to draw and paint! How wonderful is that!
Percy and I had a really great talk yesterday, we took time to just sit down and discuss things like we should. We worked though a lot of issues and admitted stuff to each other so that both of us could understand and support the other. We did it in a sacred place, it was the Full moon after all. It feels good to have a partner who has my back. Wicca is a strange religion, it’s matriarchal for the most part. And for us, as a couple, it means that I’m driving the car, or at least, planning the trip. But besides that. I respect that Percy needs to have a strong say about where we are going, we can’t make it a partnership if I don’t pay attention to his leadership.
A wonderful friend of mine, I’ll call her Morri, gave me a tarot reading and it was an eye opener. It showed me that I need to fix the cracks in our relationship. So that’s what we did. The theme was healing, sending healing to Owly, and also healing for us, so that we can work as a strong team, moving forward.
My knee is really hurting today, but I got a new lamp Which is cool. Dyslexic people like me have a hard time figuring out things like lamps and assembly of furniture. What seems easy for normal folks is a giant puzzle of visualization for people like me. I had to figure out how gravity was working on this sucker before I got to the point that I had to put it on the bottom of my easel in order to maximize it’s flexibility. But it’s done now and now I’m going to focus on getting this painting finished.
Another friend of mine is in the hospital, I’m going to call her Owl, not her real name of course, but I don’t want to “out” anyone here. So anyways, Owl had cancer before and it may be back, which really sucks. it’s been a rough year people dropping like flies, shit happening. I wonder if it’s because I am older, or because it’s been a bad year? I spent a good part of yesterday at her side, as she went to get her MRI, she hated it, who wouldn’t, lying on your back or worse on your belly, still as a stone, for 40 min while great big banging noises are going on around you….yah fun times. I wish I had more time to see her more. Though I hope she will be out of the hospital soon. I want Owl to be well, I want her to be happy with her man, I want her to have kids if she wants too, why does the universe have to be so cruel sometimes? I guess this is our classroom here on the earth, and it’s a tough course, but if we do our best we live a good life, and that’s it.
I haven’t been doing my yoga, I promise this afternoon is the time to do it.
Was grumpy this morning with Percy in the car. No coffee and I’m not at my best, he was grumpy too so we grumped together in silence. The nice thing about our relationship is this is ok, sometimes that happens, but when it’s a big issue we can feel free to speak our mind without the other person holding us ransom. Sometimes I think relationships are like the wild wild west. We’ve been together for 11 years now which is great. Jupiter has come and gone and we’re still going strong.
Just for the record I read tarot and do astrology. So I may drop some references to astrology into this blog.
I am working on inserting a woman riding a stag into my next landscape. The Stag is a sacred symbol in wicca, it’s a representative of the horned god who rules winter. I figure it will be the next instalment of my series of mystical landscapes. And part of my body of work that I need to accomplish.
I will make the stag white, because the Celts considered the stag messengers from the otherworld, and again the woman in the painting will be my red haired friend who lives on in my art.
Winter is slowly descending now, it’s definitely cooler, though I still feel comfortable in my office. I am finishing off my Samhain, but I think I will call it Siren of Samhain because that’s more appropriate. Considering there is a hidden siren in the work, or perhaps not so hidden. I wanted to illustrate the feeling of being underwater, of just coming out of the water.
There was a photographer’s display of art at Kit’s wake, in the art centre on the island, It showed women submerged in water. I think it inspired many of us. Sometimes when I connect with the dead it feels like I am swimming in murky water, and that creates fear because you never know what you will bump into when you are diving deep down into the depths of the unknown.
A work that someone else did, I won’t mention names also was inspired by this influence. He was a friend of Kit’s as well, and I saw how bereft he was. Ever notice the face that people make when they think no one is looking? Their true nature comes out in a flash, and then it’s gone again. I saw pure sorrow there in his eyes, and all I wanted to do was to comfort him. However, his painting was astounding, it depicted a woman submerged in deep water swimming to the surface. The water was burnt umber, which is how I see it in my head…the land of the dead.
I’ve settled down into my studio now and it’s a nice cozy place, I wonder if Kit would have appreciated the fact that Luna loves her carpet? It’s nice having so much room to myself. I inherited a lot of stuff from Kit, it’s sad that I have it, but it is nice that a piece of her is still kind of with me.
It’s a little cool down here but with the amount of hot flashes I get on a regular basis now, it’s kind of nice. Speaking of health, I really need to focus on my health and try to lose some weight. I’m battling stuff like arthritis and other things, and cancer runs in my family too. It’s time to be careful. I’m going to publish this journal because I don’t think I have a huge audience, so it’s not so bad.
Percy and I have started to run our own magical group. It feels good to do things on my own rather than running with a pack. Scary too, its’ so small and we are but a few people, so we don’t have that huge pack mentality. But it’s in it’s seed phase, and that too will pass.
I am working on a piece called Samhain, this holiday is ruled by the element of water. I’ve taken a page from Rembrant’s book and I’ adding Kit into my paintings. I found out that the last thing she thought of was her mother, or perhaps the Goddess, or both. Sometimes I wonder if she really thought about me, or how I would feel or if I really mattered. For all those feelings I feel for her…but I would like to think that she did care about me. She is in that “classroom in the sky” as a wise teacher of mine said, and there is nothing I can do for her. I did ask the Angel Michael to watch over her, and when I did that, I shivered, and I know that means that what I said was heard in the spirit world.
Today, thankfully I don’t have to work till 5pm, so my painting clothes shall be donned and I’ll tackle the reeds in this painting of mine. I’ll put on some music, do some yoga inbetween and track my food.
Yesterday was a bad day, after a few good days, I ate some junk late at night. Cheese popcorn. I even woke up Percy, he asked me if I was “typing while watching TV.” Sadly, no, I was munching. The tv show was drivel too, the writing and acting, second rate. I am trying to cut down the garbage in my life. Too much social media…i.e. Facebook, too much stupid tv too much junk food.
When I come home, I should pour myself some wine, pull out a good book and just read? What about non fiction? Or how about drawing? Lets do that tonight.
Today I drove to Kit’s house to see if there was anything I wanted to take. This was the hardest thing yet. I dragged my post colonoscopy hubby with me for moral support. I almost didn’t go, because things are not what Kit was all about, Kit is what Kit was all about.
There was’t anything really left and I didn’t have the heart to rifle through stuff. Another person was trying to park where I was parked so I took this as my cue to leave.
I have her watercolour of a banshee, and I managed to get a wooden statue of Ganesha, and a jar of mugwort. That’s about all. Her family was taking the rest, and honestly, that’s how it should be.
My hubby mentioned that I did things wrong and should have just claimed it instead of walking out with it. So, I’ll email the family and let them know that if they want Ganesha they can have him back. Things mean nothing to me.
Her whole place looked like a bomb had gone off, and also everything left was an empty shell of what used to be her cozy nook. I would like to just close my eyes and imagine the cozy nook and leave it at that.
The crossroads is a funny place. A magical place, a place of choices. We always have to choose, even no choice is a conscience choice.
I drew Elegba at the crossroads. In Santeria, Elegba guards the crossroads of life, he kind of helps you out, or not. He could trick you, and even confuse you more.
I am working out what this means.
The door behind Elegba is the door which leads us to a new place, but Elegba is the keeper of the key.
I once had a vivid dream about a far off door in a dark room, I was flying towards it, in my dream but each time I’d hit it, I’d bounce back into darkness. Behind the door, was light.
This was around the time that I could sense things: That good or bad was coming and I would dream about ghosts. I thought I was crazy, but I have found out that all mediums walk the fine line of crazy and not,because we can hold our breath and dive into that strange world that is not our own.